The Effects of Divorce on Kids — and How to Support Them

Written by Kelsey Cahill, LCMHCA

Divorce is a major life transition that affects everyone in the family — but for children, the changes can feel especially confusing and overwhelming. Whether the separation is amicable or filled with tension, kids often struggle to understand what’s happening, what it means for their family, and how their world will look moving forward.

How Divorce Can Affect Children

Children’s reactions to divorce can vary depending on their age, temperament, and the level of conflict between parents. Common emotional and behavioral responses may include:

Emotional:

• Feelings of guilt or self-blame: “Did I do something to cause this?”

• Anxiety or fear about the future, especially regarding living arrangements, schedules and routines

• Sadness, withdrawal, or signs of depression

  
  

Behavioral:

• Anger or acting out as they struggle to express complex emotions

• Loyalty conflicts, feeling torn between parents or pressured to take sides

• Academic or social changes, such as difficulty concentrating or withdrawing from friends

  
  

In addition, children may experience the five stages of grief — denial, bargaining, anger, depression, and acceptance — as they mourn their old life and the future they envisioned.

Even when parents work hard to shield their children from conflict, the emotional undercurrents of divorce can still impact how safe and connected kids feel.

The Role of Parental Conflict

While divorce alone can be challenging, research shows that the level of conflict between parents is one of the strongest predictors of how well children adjust. Studies indicate that children exposed to high-conflict divorces are two to four times more likely to develop emotional or behavioral problems compared to those whose parents separate amicably (Kelly & Emery, 2003). Prolonged hostility, arguments, oversharing or being drawn into adult disagreements can lead to anxiety, fear of abandonment, and even symptoms of post-traumatic stress. On the other hand, when parents manage conflict calmly and maintain cooperative co-parenting, children are far more likely to regain stability and thrive within one to two years after the divorce. Even when conflict between parents is high, showing a united and cooperative front can still have a strong positive impact on children.

What Kids Need Most

While each child’s experience is unique, certain approaches seem to consistently help children adjust positively:

• Consistency and Routine: Predictable schedules and transitions provide a sense of safety and stability.

• Emotional Validation: Acknowledge their feelings without minimizing them. Say things like, “I can see this is hard for you.”

• Reassurance of Love and Stability: Remind them that both parents love them and that will never change. Reinforce that divorce is not their fault.

• Healthy Communication: Encourage self-expression and open conversation, but avoid using children as messengers about the other parent.

• Modeling Calm and Cooperation: Respectful co-parenting helps children feel secure and reduces emotional distress.

  
  

Adjustment and healing are not linear processes. Children may feel better for a while, then regress during holidays, life changes, or other transitions. As they grow, they may have more questions and seek a deeper understanding of family dynamics.

Maladaptive Roles Children May Take On

Sometimes, children develop maladaptive roles to cope with tension and uncertainty. While these roles can help them manage in the moment, they may contribute to unhealthy emotional development and relational boundaries over time.

Role	Description	Example
The Caregiver / Parentified Child	Takes on adult responsibilities emotionally or practically.	A 9-year-old comforting a parent after an argument.
The Peacemaker / Mediator	Tries to keep the peace between parents or family members.	Avoids expressing opinions to prevent conflict.
The Scapegoat / Problem Child	Acts out through defiance, anger, or risky behavior.	Repeatedly breaking rules at school.
The Lost Child / Withdrawn One	Withdraws emotionally to avoid conflict.	Isolates themselves or represses needs.
The Chameleon	Adapts emotions, opinions, or behaviors to match whichever parent they are with.	Switching interests to align with each parent.
The Messenger	Relays messages between parents, even if emotionally charged or inappropriate.	A child delivering complaints or reminders to parents.

How Therapy Can Help

Therapy provides a safe, neutral space for children to process feelings about divorce and change. Techniques like play, art, and talk therapy help kids:

• Express anger, sadness, and worry in healthy ways

• Understand that divorce isn’t their fault

• Develop coping skills for transitions between homes

• Strengthen emotional resilience and confidence

• Navigate relationships and establish healthy boundaries

  
  

Divorce doesn’t have to define a child’s future. When children feel seen, heard, and supported, they can emerge with greater emotional awareness and strength.

Building Connection and Support

Children often feel isolated and different because they may not talk openly about their parents’ divorce. At The Center for Creativity and Healing, we recognize the positive impact connection and belonging can have on children and adults alike. We offer a monthly support group to help children and parents navigate the challenges that come with divorce. Parents and children meet separately but at the same time, allowing each group to focus on their unique needs:

• Parents: Explore emotions related to the divorce, gain effective parenting strategies, and build healthy coping skills.

• Children: Engage in fun, creative activities designed to help them understand their feelings, reduce anxiety, and strengthen emotional resilience.

  
  

We’d love for you to join us! https://www.centerforcreativityandhealing.com/current-training-opportunities

References

National Center for State Courts. (n.d.). Children’s mental health and well-being following separation and divorce (Understanding Well-Being). Retrieved from https://ncsc.contentdm.oclc.org/digital/api/collection/famct/id/1924/download

El-Sheikh, M., & Harger, J. (2003). Children’s coping with marital conflict and their adjustment and physical health: Vulnerability and protective functions. Developmental Psychology, 39(6), 949–963. https://doi.org/10.1037/0012-1649.39.6.949

Kelly, J. B., Sandler, I. N., Wolchik, S. A., & Tein, J.-Y. (2019). Coping in context: The effects of long-term relations between interparental conflict and coping on the development of child psychopathology following parental divorce. Development and Psychopathology, 31(5), 1695–1713. https://doi.org/10.1017/S0954579419000981

Kelly, J. B., & Emery, R. E. (2003). Children’s adjustment following divorce: Risk and resilience perspectives. Family Relations, 52(4), 352–362. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3729.2003.00352.x